What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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