omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
