a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
