You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
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Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
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Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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