I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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