hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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