haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
