Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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