at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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