you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
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not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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