I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
