Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
