I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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