woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
