Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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