Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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