im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
