SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
