you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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