I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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