my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
