you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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