I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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