i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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