I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
