If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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