I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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