I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize