I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
