I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
