That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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