so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
