apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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