my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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