WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I supernannyed him into submission
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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