He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
