I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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