I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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