By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
