I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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