Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
