sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
