Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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