Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
