1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
