Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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