did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
