Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
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Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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