I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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