The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
