i barfeds in our rink
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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