I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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