I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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